My cone of silence

How much easier to have a vow of chastity. Poverty. Obedience. A simple vanilla. Rules to follow. A higher being to take orders from.  But, no. I come with vibrant reds and purples. Convoluted questions. Confusion. Contradiction. Questions. Questions. Questions.Always questioning. Long beards. Children flying off into skies I've never seen. Thinking things I dare not admit. Friends slipping away. Sideways glances from strangers that make more sense than a logical argument. Staring into a jagged face that defies meaning. If I try to retreat, I am met with disappointment. Disillusion. Recriminations even. Where do you think you are going? It's here now.Be in our muck. No matter how much it isn't yours.No matter. Even if it doesn't matter to me. Getting stuck in something that doesn't even belong to me.  How do I invert the photo? Take that cone of silence and slip it over my head. Wrap me in an understanding with myself. And only myself.