When in doubt

The trouble is, I am always in doubt. I doubt the meaning of things, even the word, 'doubt'. So, being an avid fan of the dictionary, I find that doubt has more meanings than I knew. It means to be uncertain. Of course.To question. Yes. To distrust. Kind of. To fear. Bingo. So, which is it? Maybe all, although I do my damnedest to appear otherwise. The doubt comes from not knowing, not trusting, deceiving myself and just the inability to understand what the hell my life has been so far.  If I try to make sense of it, I see the fragmentary nature of things and never seem to come up with a whole. So, of course I doubt. Because the pieces should fit into place, shouldn't they? The trajectory of my life should be linear or at least have a semblance of a pattern. It should tell a story. But, I doubt my ability to tell a story, so it should come as no surprise that my life doesn't tell one. At least to me. It tells hundreds of stories. The question is, which one is the real one?  My father used to say, "I may be wrong, but I am never in doubt." He also used to say, "If in doubt, throw it out." Well, which one was it? Never in doubt? No. Never. Doubt is not such a bad thing. Fear is. Have I mistaken myself for the fear?